If there’s a person who can say that relationships are always pleasant and joyful, they can easily cast the first stone. Yes, they are very important. Yes, they are very valuable. Yes, they give us a lot of beautiful things. But it’s impossible to imagine that two adults have to face no difficulties in the process of communication. This is normal. Relationships are a living mechanism and there are failures, crises, breakdowns and, of course, pain.
Thus, today we want to talk about such a common phenomenon as the fear of relationships. According to the latest research, the number of people who don’t enter into a relationship because of fear of pain and negative moments is steadily growing. In general, it’s easy to see that we are emerging from the era of codependency and confidently entering the era of counter-dependence. However, this is not really better.
Here’s a simple test to understand if you have this problem. Say the word “relationship” out loud. Do it several times and listen to the feelings inside. When the fear is close, something will shrink, or there will be a desire to move away, push this word away, while the heartbeat may become faster.
Why does this happen? Because of the negative experience. It can be an experience of a child or an adult. However, both of them appear in the majority of cases.
You can be offended by the entire world, making a promise not to spend a second with another person, but this is the road to self-destruction. Here’s our offer: You need to become a Phoenix and start rising from the ashes. It shall happen slowly, gradually and step by step.
Let’s make a deal right away. The fear of a relationship is a thing that requires working with a specialist. But you have to start making some things yourself.
- The recognition of the reality
You need to inhale, exhale, and calmly admit the fact that there is no perfect relationship. At the same time, it doesn’t need to be painful.
Usually, people with a fear of relationships are categorical: they want to choose either angel with flowers or hell and satan. But there is something in between. There’s a place where we love each other, respect, cherish, but sometimes face difficulties together. These difficulties are adequate and solvable.
Try to fantasise about such relationships and find them either in your environment, or in other people’s stories, or in movies and books.
- Here’s Plan B
Yes, it may not work. This happens, not everyone gets to the point of “died in one day”, but you know, maybe it’s even better.
In the end, you are not obliged to see horror, a nightmare, and the collapse of the world. Try to think about alternatives.
For example, I met him on the Internet, started chatting, but quickly realised that we are different; at the same time, now I have a cool partner in a pool game, and I can easily go with him to all competitions.
The more options your imagination offers you, the calmer and more confident you will be. In addition, you will be able to start building new relationships, because you already know 50+ options for the development of your future.
Remember, it is very important to be able to see various options.
- Safety measures
This is very important. Especially if you have a negative experience. After all, it has a very high value but only if you know how to use it correctly.
The fact that you had a painful story (or stories) once is a sad moment. On the other hand, you managed to get a giant box of important information. By using it, you know exactly what signs can’t be ignored – what suits you and what doesn’t.
- Clearly and honestly determine what behavior or actions of your partner are categorically unacceptable to you. These will be phrases, which start with the words: You can’t do this to me.
- Choose a way to convey this information to another person (make a clear list; use it during a conversation about mutual rules in a relationship; it shall be an unambiguous “no” in a particular situation, etc.)
- Think about the “system of punishments for the offender”: Forgive once or leave immediately; hold an explanatory conversation; limit communication and observe it; all these measures depend on you and your inner beliefs and values.
Please remember that relationships are not rigid. We have to adjust them. YOU are the one, who builds relationships. Therefore, you can be successful by using the right approach.