He doesn’t want sex…

Today, in our “Dear Therapist” column we have a story about the partners who have different levels of sexual desire.  

“Please help me figure this out. My situation seems banal at first glance, but I was not able to find a solution for it.” 

Hello! To begin with, your story is not banal. Banal problems, in general, don’t exist. 

“I have a domestic partner. He is 38, I am 33, and we have been together for 2 years. As a life partner, he is perfect for me! I was pleasantly surprised how similar our views on life are, our plans for the future, our views on the relationships. And I have a feeling that this is “my” man.” 

This is great and wonderful. I am glad that you have such a good basis for your relationship. 

“But the problem is that our sex life became non-existent! I was trying to find out the reason – but he says that it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t’ mean that something is wrong with our relationship. He doesn’t want it right now, and that’s that.” 

Yes, it happens sometimes. People’s sexual desire can sometimes get lower due to different reasons. It may be due to stress, some personal crisis, burnout, or health issues. 

Yes, sometimes it happens that a person simply doesn’t want sex. 

“And he also blames it on “age”. But, seriously? 38 is not “age”. 38 is not 70!”  

And here is the slippery slope: you are trying to decide for another person what age is appropriate for them to have less sexual desire (and this may be temporary, mind you). This is not very fair to him. 

“I even asked him whether everything is good with his health. He says – yes. He doesn’t hide his health issues from me. I asked whether he has someone else – he says no. And he spends most of his free time at home.” 

As I mentioned above, people’s sexual desires can depend on many factors. Yes, there is this stereotype about men that they are always “ready”. And if not, then it means that he is impotent, or is sleeping with someone else. You know, these are very narrow-minded arguments. 

“He is a phlegmatic and even lazy person. I could assume that the matter is different temperaments – but after all, everything was good before and everything suited me! 

It would be nice to know if he was happy before… This is the first. Second. When our relationship is just beginning, the level of desire is always higher than in a calm, well-established phase. ” 

It is quite possible that you have different temperaments.  

Perhaps, you haven’t considered this possibility. From your letter, I can tell that you don’t have a lot of knowledge about sex and sexuality. It would be helpful for you to read some books or articles on this topic. Make sure that the authors are credible sexologists. Do not read various crap like “what to do to make a man always want me”.  

“I take care of myself. I am not ugly. I haven’t gained weight – nothing.” 

As I stated above – this may have nothing to do with you. 

“He also has this strange trait – he doesn’t like it when I touch him in the morning. When I am trying to take initiative in my hands, he gets upset that I woke him up. He lectures me – even a cat doesn’t always like being squeezed! So, “traditional methods” don’t work in my case.” 

I don’t quite get it why you call this a “strange trait”. Why did you choose these words? As if your partner is not quite normal? As if he is somewhat foolish? 

I will be honest. I don’t quite like the format of your letter, the way you talk about your problem and your actions. Because I get the impression that you are expecting your partner to conform to your own sexual expectations, that you define as correct. But you forget that the target of your desire and your, to be honest, pressure – is a live person. He has his own processes, his own temperament, his own desires. And now it turns out that his preferences are strange. It seems unfair. 

“I really want sex. I am at the peak of my sexuality. And I feel that the “age” will not happen to me in the next 150 years )))))) But I am very firm – I don’t want to cheat on him. I don’t want to lose a person who is likeminded, who supports me, and who is my life partner in the best sense of this word. Besides, we made a promise – no sex on the side. I am in a total agreement with that.” 

Then, to start with, you need to accept one simple fact: your man doesn’t want as much sex as you do. Together with him, you need to look for options. 

If not in the morning, maybe in the evening, for example. If not full-blown sexual intercourse, then perhaps he can do something else to satisfy you. Etc. 

“Please help me understand, what is happening, really? What should I do with this? How can I change something in this situation? How can I have a conversation about it?” 

You need to talk about it, discuss it, and look for different options. 

“If I tell him outright – then it will not be spontaneous and romantic. I don’t want him to see it as a “conjugal duty”.  

Well, don’t approach it as “you must fuck me five times per week, and if you don’t – it means that you are strange and sick”. Then, most likely, he will not see your request as a “duty”. 

You should talk about it as soon as possible. Your message should not be “give me!”. It should be “I would like to have more sex and more often. Let’s think about how we can address my desire and your needs as well.” 

“At the same time, I am not a big fan of being vague – this will only complicate the situation.” 

To be honest, vagueness simply destroys relationships. Therefore, it is good that you are not planning to act in this way. 

To summarize: 

• Read good books on sexology. 
• Accept your partner the way he is. 
• Have tactful conversations, without any pressure. 
• Look for other options together. 

Take care of yourself.