Fear of death of loved ones

Fear may take different forms. One of the most common is the fear of death of loved ones. Most often, this phobia does not arise out of the blue, but it is caused by the strongest experiences due to emotional attachment to close relatives and loved ones.

Is it normal to be afraid of losing close people?

Of course, this is natural and normal. Our loved ones are the biggest asset in our lives! We are connected with them with strong emotional ties. Just a possibility of losing them threatens our internal state of wellbeing. So, to be afraid – is normal.

However, is it normal to tremble with fear, to have cold sweats and panic attacks?

No… In such a form, the fear becomes neurotic and your quality of life plummets. You may experience nervous exhaustion because anxiety and fear consume huge amounts of energy and drain all the strength and resources. 

Since childhood, Naomi used to hear these phrases from her Mom: “Your behavior will bring me to a heart attack!”, “If you will not come home in time, I will have heart failure!”, “What liberal arts? We were getting you ready for economics! Oh my God, call an ambulance, I am fainting, you got what you wanted!” Now, Naomi is 24 and she pathologically afraid that her Mom will die. Mom is gladly using this fear, playing the same tune – manipulating and creating a sense of guilt. Recently, Naomi started dating Jared, and… she is afraid for him too, almost 24-7. What if something happens…

Symptoms of fear for the loved ones are obvious. But let’s consider them in more detail.

• Nervousness, worry, and anxiety.

A person who has this fear is always on edge. They blow up any fantasy out of proportions.

Alice is afraid that something may happen to her husband David. If he is late from work for as little as 10 minutes and is not answering the phone, then various apocalyptic images appear in her head. Here, he is crossing the street and gets hit by a speeding truck. Here, right next to his house, a gang of aggressive youth attacks him and beats him half to death. Here, he has a heart attack while driving and loses control of his car… 10 minutes is all it takes for Alice, white as snow, to slide down on the floor and start recalling phone numbers of hospitals and morgues. 

• “I need to be near”.

This is an illusion that if you are next to your loved one 24-7, then nothing bad will happen to them. Control, control, control…

Irene is very afraid for her teenage daughter. The daughter is 13, but Irene walks her to school and picks her up every day. The girl tried to explain to her mother that this makes her life very complicated and her classmates are teasing her. But Irene is not able to deal with her anxiety. After talking to the school psychologist, she sincerely tried to change, and the happy girl walked to school by herself. But she was happy only until the moment when she noticed that her Mom was following her from afar.

• “Collecting” negative everywhere.

People may get fixated on everything bad that is happening or may happen in theory. They see only serial killers, thieves, pedophiles, and sociopaths around them. A fire may happen (“Yes, it’s true! Someone I know…”). A heart failure may occur (“Yes, some people die of heart failure in their 30s!”. A sudden attack, a rape, and many other things… A train may derail, a car may get into an accident, and a plane, obviously, may crash. Is it possible in theory? Yes. And that means that it will happen. And how can you live in peace now?

Here are other symptoms of the fear to lose a loved one:

• Strong fear that your loved one is in danger even though there are no objective reasons for that.
• Vegetative symptoms: increased heart rate, increased/decreased blood pressure, nervous tremors, sweaty palms, chest pain, nervousness, aggression, headaches, etc.
• Obsession with bad thoughts.
• Ignoring facts and rational arguments that this fear doesn’t have any basis.
• Imagining horrible scenarios for no reason or under the influence of bad news on TV.
• Excessive worrying about loved ones, frequent phone calls just to know that they are doing fine.

Where does this fear come from?

1) From the imposed feeling of guilt and the feeling that “I am responsible for the life and health of another person” – like Naomi in the above example.

2) Negative past experiences.

Sujatha’s husband had a heart attack. He was never sick, always in good health, and now… This happened 6 years ago. This loss of a loved one was very hard on Sujatha. Two years ago, she remarried. She is very afraid that history will repeat itself. Therefore, she makes Oscar go through various medical tests. She measures his blood pressure every day and cooks healthy meals for him. Oscar gets very tired of all this attention.

 3) Various obsessions.

If a person is predisposed to different anxiety disorders that include various obsessive states (thoughts or actions), it is quite likely that they may experience this fear.

4) Losing one of the parents during childhood or experiencing a painful separation that has not been processed well. In this case, the person may fear on the subconscious level that the traumatic events will repeat themselves.

5) Absence of internal support, deep connection with yourself, or the meaning of life that doesn’t depend on having a family or relationships with others.

What to do if the fear to lose a loved one is your story? We will figure it out in the next article.