Anger is stronger than me

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“Good day!

I can’t deal with my anger and aggression.

As a child, I always tried to repress my anger, but then I realized that if I repress my anger and don’t express my complaints, my lymph nodes swell immediately and my throat hurts. I’ve had it checked over a thousand times. As if from an unspoken anger, the throat gets blocked. As soon as I express everything, my throat ceases to hurt and the lymph nodes disappear.

But my statements always come from anger and hurt other people, even if I feel better after a time and apologize. But the sediment remains in people. And I can’t do it sustainably, like Nikki recommends, because in a fit of fury, anger and fire are eating me from the inside and invading me, and no matter how hard I try to breathe and wait for 10 seconds, I can’t! The fire is pushing out, like I’m a dragon. How can I handle this and what needs to be done to talk about my feelings (anger, fury, resentment) while not offending another person at the same time?”

Olga, good day. Excellent question.

In this situation, we should put our attention to the following:

  1. Anger arises when our boundaries are somehow violated. And the fact that anger arises is an indicator that you need to take care of yourself.
    Write down a list of situations when you get angry. Across from each situation, write what this anger protects, what good it does for you.

2. When anger arises, this is not a reason to say everything to people at once. That’s because in fits of anger, people often damage relationships and hurt others. For this you need to learn to live the anger by yourself. You can do the following.

When alone with yourself, show your anger and express it through the body. The fact is that when we are angry or furious, it’s very important to live through what’s happening in an environmentally friendly way. You can choose different options: punch a pillow or the soft part of a sofa or a bed. You can stomp your legs and wave your arms around.

The important thing is that your anger is manifested through the body. This will help you splash it out in an environmentally friendly way for yourself and others. And you will return to a relationship in a more relaxed state.
Practice for 10 minutes a day for a week to spill out all the anger that has accumulated in you before that.
You can picture any person or recall some situation.

During a conflict, if you suddenly feel angry, you can retire for 5-10 minutes and do this exercise. In this case, you are spilling out your “fire” until you see that you are calm.

3. Anger is not the best adviser for relationships. And ideally, you should only talk to people once you completely calm down. And your message will be clear and constructive.
And constructive communication is necessary not only for the people with whom you are in a relationship. But also, for you.

If a person arrives all nervous and emotional, such a state can trigger negative reactions in their companions. The second person will begin to react emotionally and introduce his own destructive behavior.

And in the end, the former will get even more. In other words, when you are trying to communicate whilst emotional, you can make the situation even worse.

4. Resentment also causes anger. But resentment is more complicated. You have to work on resentment with a therapist. It’s a profound subject.

Olga, in general it’s good that you’re concerned about other people on whom you take out your emotions. But from your letter it’s clear that you should take care of yourself and your emotional world.

Taking care means learning to deal with your emotions. This many anxieties will affect your productivity, sleep and general physical state. You ought to consider the “Psychocleaning” course. It’s about emotions and what to do with them.

Also consider the Psychosutra section in the app. You can find exercises in sections like “resentment”, “anger” in there.

Natalia Nikulina

Consulting psychologist