Return of trust

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What they expected from her was violent tantrums, tears, screams, vows to take revenge … But she just sat there motionless, and as she stared at the coffee cup left by him, she repeated silently, like a mantra: “I can no longer trust anyone, ever”…

The terrible, bitter, nastily sticky experience of betrayal … You don’t want to think, to feel, to breathe … And you don’t want to torture yourself again with pain, and therefore you promise yourself that the subject of trust is forever closed to you.

In ordinary life, a reasonable dose of distrust helps to avoid troubles, fraud and dishonorable people. But what to do when it comes to love or friendships, where the issue of trust is particularly relevant?

If, after betrayal, you decide that not trusting people is the sole right way to avoid heartache – believe me when I say that this is not an option. Rather, it’s rather a dead end in your future relationships with people.

Trust is an important part of a healthy relationship. You won’t be able to feel confident and relaxed if you don’t trust yourself and your partner. Without this component, any relationship will be strained, superficial, won’t bring you joy or happiness.

Yes, right now it feels gross, painful, empty, but this time will pass, and you’ll have to keep living and learn to trust people again.

Let’s agree which steps you have to take now in order to restore spiritual balance and try to reassess your vow to “never trust again”.

  1. A period of silence

Please give yourself some time to be alone. It make no sense now to rush into a new relationship to verify “that there are normal people in this world,” just as well as you shouldn’t give yourself some terrible oaths like  “I’ll go to the monastery, I’ll become a monk.” Neither of them will bring anything good except for new mental torment.

Allow yourself some distance from the whole world for now. Without parental moralizing, without advice from friends (often clueless). This time is only for you, for accepting your feelings, for restoring order in your head and heart.

  1. Note the conclusions

Now, this is interesting: whilst pressure from the experience, it’s common for people in difficult situations to draw conclusions that don’t actually correspond to reality and are simply based on generalizations. For instance:

  • all men cheat
  • all friends gossip about you behind your back
  • all women just want money
  • I was betrayed because I’m… followed by the list of “sins and faults”, etc.

Stop. Everything is the exact opposite – we are so different and our life scenarios are so different that one can only be surprised at this diversity of the human world.

Unfortunately, few people manage to maintain clarity of thinking in a state of stress and pain. Therefore, just write down all of your thoughts and conclusions today on a sheet of paper, hide it, and after six months or a year, re-read it and … smile.

  1. Analysis of errors

Well, you don’t really think that a person was perfect, and suddenly – bang – they turned into a bastard and betrayed you, doyou? There were signs, but for some reason you didn’t notice them, or deliberately ignored them. Try to remember (even through pain) what you didn’t want to pay attention to when you were close: working late, trips to go see a sick uncle, strange calls in the evenings, etc.

Analyze these moments so that this knowledge turns into valuable and profound experiences for your future relationships with people. 

  1. The old pattern

… won’t fit the new reality. It’s completely illogical to shift the image of your offender to each new acquaintance. There is an old expression “tarring someone with the same brush”. That’s exactly what you shouldn’t do: new acquaintances have nothing to do with your traitor and bitter experience. Another person is an entirely different relationship scenario.

  1. And the good

It’s expected that at the moment, you see the whole world in shades of black and only remember the bad. The human brain is structured so that we easily remember failures, resentments and misfortunates, and good things remain somewhere at the back of your memory. Now you need to try and remember all those relationships in which you were comfortable and safe. If that doesn’t work, look for examples among your loved ones, read the books or watch the movies about fidelity and trust.

Trust me, there are plenty of such stories. And if you find the courage and begin trusting again, it’s very likely that one of them will be about you, too.