10 questions for a sexologist

Probably, no other topic except sex is filled with so many misconceptions and anxieties. We prepared answers to the 10 most frequent questions and we would like to share them with you.

  1. I don’t want my man. Does it mean that I no longer love him?

Both yes and no. If you feel repulsion at the physical level – then probably yes. If something happened (a conflict, or temporary drifting apart) and your desire disappeared – this is normal. Your libido is fluid and there is a good chance that it will come back. However, if you absolutely don’t want your man but want someone else, it may be a signal that you are trying to leave your current relationship and your new desire is “helping” you.

2. My man doesn’t want me. Does it mean that our relationship is over?

The answer is similar to the previous one. It is important to know whether your man doesn’t want you specifically or lost interest in sex in general? And how long this lack of desire has been going on? Is it a stress reaction? Is it “I don’t want sex and do as you please” or “I don’t want sex and will solve this problem”? In reality, the relationship ends only when both people make this decision.

3. Is it true that you need to have sex to remain healthy? 

When we are having sex, we truly feel good, both psychically and emotionally. Because good sexual life has a positive effect on everything, including self-esteem. But the key reason is not physical satisfaction (climax) – it is getting pleasure and joy from interacting with your partner. Nobody died from the lack of sex. But it is better if you have it.

4. I always experience pain during sex. What to do?

If it is not something you both agreed on (your partner is hurting you according to your agreed-upon rules during sexual games), it is important to understand what kind of pain it is and what is causing it. Here are some most common reasons:

  • You don’t have enough lubrication because your foreplay is too short (your partner is rushing and starts penetration too early). Solution: longer foreplay.
  • Maybe your position is “wrong” and doesn’t suit you because of the structure of your vagina. Solution: try different positions.
  • You may have certain gynecological illnesses (e. g., endometriosis). Solution: consult your gynecologist.
  • Psychological problems (you had traumatic sexual experiences in the past). Solution: visit a psychologist or sexologist.

5. I don’t enjoy sex. Is something wrong with me?

The first question that comes to mind: are you having the right type of sex? If the quality of sex is good, then perhaps there are different reasons. What could it be? Traumatic experiences in the past, temporary drop in libido due to stress or fatigue, “wrong” partner, asexuality in general.

6. My woman refuses to have sex. What do I do?

To agree to have sex, a woman should be in a certain mood, and you need to create it. It must include intimacy, foreplay, etc. Some of it should start outside the bedroom. Sex and foreplay start long before people end up in bed naked. Therefore, you need to discuss (not in a pushy way!) if your partner is happy with sex and the relationship in general. Usually, the underlying reason is there.

7. We love each other, but passion is gone. It seems like everything is OK, but I am afraid that this is the beginning of the end. 

Passion always disappears from long-term relationships, and this is normal. But passion is usually replaced with something more stable and can be ignited at a different level. For example, statistically, women have more chances to experience orgasm in long-term relationships.

This question has a hint of dramatization, as if “something horrible is happening”. If you are worried that because passion is dying your relationship can end, you need to ask yourself: how do we, as a couple, handle crises? Sexual crises, among others? No, this is not the end of the world. Everything can be corrected if you act appropriately: help the process and do not wait for things to “fix themselves”.

8. I don’t like how my partner touches me, but I don’t know how to tell them.

During sex, you can show your partner what to do using gestures or sounds. As a rule, your signals are clear and you don’t need to speak. You can direct the process itself: “slower”, “higher”, “to the left”, etc. You can put your partner’s hand where you want it to be, or vice versa – you can remove it. And of course, use words. If hints and methods we described above are not working, then words are all that is left. Saying “words with your mouth” works. The main thing here is to remain tactful and state your thoughts as suggestions, proposals, or careful phrases, rather than criticism or demands.

9. Not wanting to have sex – is it normal? I read that there are people like that.

People go through different phases in their lives. Sometimes, because of hormonal changes, stress, fatigue, or conflicts in the relationship, you may not want to have sex. But this is temporary. If this is caused by past traumatic experiences, then avoiding sex is a way to make yourself feel safe. You need to work on this. There are asexual people – that is people who have low libido. This is also on the spectrum of “normal”. “Norm” is a very flexible notion.

10. I always think during sex – not about sex. Is this abnormal?

It is not “abnormal” but this probably prevents you from being absorbed into the sexual experience and it is probably closer to masturbation than sex. When you “go” into your thoughts it is as if you are “fleeing” sex. Physically, you are there, but in thoughts, you are somewhere else. Usually, there are reasons for that. It would be best to find them.